Saturday, September 30, 2006

Quiz "What Democracy Means to Me"

In view of our wildly successful and wholly democratic (in the non political party sense) gathering I thought I'd post this and let everyone guess who wrote it. Here's a hint: He sometimes foretold the future on television. Have fun!!

From 1991
To me, democracy means placing trust in the little guy, giving the fruits of nationhood to those who built the nation. Democracy means anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united by a single dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs away from people of all races, colors, and creeds. Democracy is having time set aside to worship — 18 years if you're Jim Bakker.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.

Democracy means freedom of sexual choice between any two consenting adults; Utopia means freedom of choice between three or more consenting adults. But I digress. Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto — usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money.

Democracy means a thriving heartland with rolling fields of Alfalfa, Buckwheat, Spanky, and Wheezer. Democracy means our elected officials bow to the will of the people, but more often they bow to the big butts of campaign contributors.

Yes, democracy means fighting every day for what you deserve, and fighting even harder to keep other weaker people from getting what they deserve. Democracy means never having the Secret Police show up at your door. Of course, it also means never having the cable guy show up at your door. It's a tradeoff. Democracy means free television. Not good television, but free.

Democracy is being able to pick up the phone and, within a minute, be talking to anyone in the country, and, within two minutes, be interrupted by call waiting.

Democracy means no taxation without representation, and god knows, we've just about had the hell represented out of us. It means the freedom to bear arms so you can blow the "o" out of any rural stop sign you want.

And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head. This signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.

I thank you.


vagabondvet said...

Johnny Carson?

Mariah Fleming said...

Aww, no fair!!! You got it on the first try!!! I knew you were cool, but man, whew! How did you know? Great piece, huh? I still remember when I was about 13 he told people on his show one night to turn off the water when they brush their teeth to save water! Pretty cool, left an impression on me!

Anonymous said...

Johnny Carson! An here I was under the idea that he retired! Let's get Johnny to invite me on his TV show so I can tell him an' Ed what a democracy really is!

Listen up Melman!

Can ya git me on his show? All them citizens'll need some cheerin up.

Get O' Reilly to write me some jokes. It'll kill!

Meet me for a brewski after I get back from that country or continent or whatever I'm goin to visit I forget which one it is this time.
You da Smelman!
Da Prez
PS I like these here blogs, I can read and write what I want anomunusly.

vagabondvet said...

Well, I read it over a few times, and then it just hit me. I watched Johnny most of my life, and remember many times he said something that was simple, profound and funny all at once - I read it again, with him in mind, and it sounded like something he'd say, and the delivery was classic Carson. Then there was your hint, of course, without which I probably wouldn't have ventured a guess - but who could forget the Swami headgear? Yeah, that was a great piece... where did you ever come up with that? I hope you're havin' a fine day.